Limit my Explosions My Dear

Current frustrations:

• Owning a domain name and knowing nothing of what to do with it, and tinkering with it like it's some toy. (I'm watching my business ideas float away on a mast over to someone who's a bit more responsible.)


• Installing applications on said domain that will never get understood...


• Living in dunedin which is on the whole more than 15 hours ahead of the US..  meaning when most of my friends get up for work, i'm just going to bed on a friday night.
  


• Living in a place where technology just isn't up to scratch


• Living somewhere, where it's becoming easy to be content living on a benefit while my chance of leaving to go back home becomes entirley slim.

Mind you, the contentness on living on this benefit is because i'm too stupid half the time to remember to call about things when i need to. It's not like i'm incapable of doing things, in fact half the time i feel so angry at myself because there's so much i want and need to do.. but i need people to remind me what i want, and what i need to accomplish.

This domain name of mine it's only been around two weeks so i can't complain too much, and plus i plan on keeping it for a good long while i just need to come up with some DAMN solid plans on how to work things. And what and how i want to work them.  Because right now i don't have hosting, or i do but it's ad supported.  Which is fine to an extent... Cept that anything that's a frame or an iframe the google ads come back.

and the 15 hours ahead issue?

There are nights where i will feel desperatley alone, bored and lonley. and my mom will just say suck it up and find someone here to hang out with..  I don't mind that, but i want to be with my two best friends, i want to figure life out with them for what it's really worth. NOT JUST being stuck in dunedin and doing nothing for the rest of my life.

I will get a job, and i will make it out of here. I just need to think about it responsibly.

I'm working on the national certificate in computing lvl 2, which is PEANUTS compared to the diploma i was going for...  but if i got three certificates under my belt in under six months i could be so fucking proud to have just completed something. EVEN IF I ONLY COMPLETE THE ONE.  I only have 20 credits until i can reach the lvl 2 graduation.

...let this be a door opener into a new path in my life.

Let this be the thing that reminds me what i need to do.

Let things work, i'm starting to annoy Rob with my hissy fits lol...  i get bored, i get lonley and i get overtired and i think too much about things.

Today was the first time i thought about Maria in a really  GOOD light, though i'll probaby never talk to her... and stuff... again... Cause. .. oh so wonderfully i'd freak out. I know there'd be a slew of responses about how i shouldn't and that she's just a person, and she is... but i'm just ... i'm still sorting who i am out..  Maria was still doing the same thing after we broke up, in a much higher level and you know ... Obake made me realize that this stuff is out there for me to learn.. and Much like my mom but in a different subject, i can be very naive and pollyanna about that sort of ....area in life.  not the trans stuff, that is just cause i'm nto ready to go back there : )  (Trust me, i'd freak if i saw Paula :P )

No, i mean the bits and bobs about the elves, the vampires the angels.. the demons...

I"m just grasping reincarnation..

that opened the pandora's box and my proverbial closet fell apart on me.. and laetly i feel sometimes a bit overwhelmed with everything. Which fuels my want and need to climb out of the pile of whatever, and pick the pieces up and study them.  Because no conventional website or book is gonna teach me this shit.

Audibly through the vocal chords of anyone who goes through these things...

Is how the story gets passed on.

I wish i just knew how to understand the full language of this story.

Ok get this, as unreligious as i am..  I find myself a bit freaked.

one of the parish locations of the presbyterian church my parents attend here in dunedin, the kitchen burnt down... arson, and they found swastika's at the scene of the crime evidently.

ok ... this swastika thing scares me more than just a little bit.

Crime rates are always somehow higher in smaller areas, i mean the gas station up the road has black belts in martial arts...  Why not just install plexi glass?

we're talking swastikas, in a small 100,000 person town burning down a church and kindergarten kitchen.

Though, in a time of need there are ... humans still working their good hearted ways.. The local cafe is willing and able (they are a christian cafe, but that's no big deal.. it's a local cafe) ... to let the parish use their facilities on a sunday (since they dont open on sundays) to hold a breakfast service in lieu of the one that was normally held at st clair sunday mornings once a month.

in all of this. it scares me to think of how much crime is in this town. it's a fucking country of 4 million people and it's more racist, and more piss poor attitude than us americans, or maybe even the british .. their mother country..  there's more per capita more stupid people here ON AVERAGE that aren't terroists to do with another religion.  There's more likley to be some angry moron to blow up sky tower than someone with a religious passion and pact to carry out.

can't someone just freaking stop this sort of maniac behavior?

Where does the human nature and will to at least respect other people's property begin and end?

Where is there a time i can feel safer than living in a town with little protection?  This isn't a city, this is a town with morons and old people.. the old people are too old to want to change the city, and those who aren't morons dont know any better because dunedin's just always been one way.  Those who are the biggest morons are those who attack without a real cause,  i mean come on being a neo-nazi and plastering swastikas somewhere is just lame. Hitler's dead,  Hussein's gone... why carry on something that is so last century? if you're gonna burn down a church,  burn it down because you're an arsonist.. >.> at least then i dont have to worry about some idiot neo nazi fucktard running around town. Yah there's still an arsonist.. but at least it's not some neo nazi panzy freak with no life who doesnt understand the meaning of "RESPECT" "LOVE" or even "PRIDE".

This is a country.

This is a continent.

This is The planet earth..

It's solar system
Universe..
Galaxy etc..

Why cant' we just fucking share it?

Edit:

There was a spazzy entry here btu instead i'm going to post more constrcive critisism about myself that i need to teach myself.

Stop having mini hissy fits over nothing, your overthinking about everything.. and it's getting in the way of your friendships.  Overthinking leads to attention getting, adn the need to spaz over nothing.  It's ok to discuss how one is having an issue again with something, but not get shitty when nobody talks :P

DO respect people's silence, it's ok to blab on and on but don't expect a whole 3 pages back in return. If they're quiet people they're quiet.


DO NOT take bad moods out on people, find constructive ways to get around it.. or warn people that you are not in a good mood rather than having a fit : D

Always remember there's text and then there's real life, phone and face to face are easier to read emotions than text to text. (Unless you're someone with empathy, and i'm not : D)   So give space and time to understand the other person before making strange faces and starting a fight.

X_X apologize profusley and admit you need to committ seppuku for being a brat.

Well we're back on the subject of my attention deficit again.

• Mother seems to think that without medication i can't find a job
• mother seems to think that i am only good for office positions becaues they hire more qualified people
• Mother seems to think i need to go to computing for free. (probably)
  
• I think i need to get back home ASAP

Yea, i just i need to get my ADHD sorted, and i need the money to get back home and get a job and move somewhere. ANYWHERE.

YEA OK I NEVER POSTED TO SAY I WASNT GONNA USE THIS JOURNAL ANYMORE BUT I LIED IM BACK.

>.>

REALLY.


So those of you tardoids who have me added on puppyxboy have to come add me over here.

REALLY.

SERIOUSLY.

I'll eat you if you dont >)

http://photobucket.com/albums/y32/everfree_dx/Presents/Stuff%20for%20me/

recent pics of me..

and a note for now to change your friends lists entries to blackdeath (for now meaning i'll be ever undeciding what my name is on here, and i'll always be attached tothat name, go look at how long i've had it XD)

http://jrock_harvard.greatestjournal.com

My first JROCK UNI rpg i've created.

Shoot me and join please.

I swear. my life has become more utterly confusing after last night..
not only have i been told "You need to get laid" by a 21 year old and a 28 year old (girls mind you)
but i've had an offer fro mteh 21 year old to "BREAK ME IN"

Mind you, Adele is good looking.. has a decent amount on top TO play with.. but uh, i'm a bit chicken..
i've never done such things in my life.
Not only that but i was like "Not in my hide tshirt." (meanwhile i'm itcing my face cause i have to wash it off yet.)

i smell oddly like ciggarettes , booze and sweat (we walked form brown st to crown hotel to brimstone to bowler).


I MADE IT IN A NIGHTCLUB (small one) WITHOUT ID! FUCK YEA! 8D .. but then the bowler wouldn't let me, aww but the guy was REALLY nice about it. So i went home early. I'm a tad peeved, but hey that's mostly my fault.

my hair is a mess, my face looks like hell warmed over (it's currently frozen doncha know? XD it was after bec made me read hide x sugi yaoi lol.)

I'll write more once we're done cleaning and shit, and the real estate dude's been by.

Aight, i had this thing before i moved that i was concerned about.. i've been getting further interested in paranormal things.. well sort of. It started because in march or april i dont remember, there were more than one of these "possession" issues or as i'd like to call them "WTF SPAZ " fits.

Well, i know i had a few more after that, just never documented them online an d laetly i've been passing them off as , "OMFG i need better sleep, eat better etc", an d "It's your ADHD, you just WISH you were posessed." and no it's not a brain or spinal injury or something ><

It happened last night again.

I dont know who, or what it was but it happened.. and i have no way or any clue to know what it was.

I'm not claiming it's anyone, i'm not going to burn my bridges this time around.

Cause i'm too lazy to ACTUALLY update here:
http://www.sheezyart.com/view/300247/

take that peoples.

I AM NOT POOPY! *scream* Take that fairy <3

I wanted to place this around, it's definatley empty sorta.. but it needs members.
It needs people to make it a home, and i've got people helping to spiff it up.
I will be making a grafix forum in a few minutes (for graphics battles and other things!) for all you graphics making lovers.

If you want to affiliate/link go ahead :3 just email psyencesxty@aim.com with your banner and linkage and i'll place it in the affiliates/listings forum!

Apologies if this was not meant to be posted, it is japan culture related and it is run by jrock fans (So trust me, jrock will have it's place.)

I spent last night ALMOST crying, i hadn't felt so stressed and scared about roleplaying issues since .. god i dont know when. It wasn't the same feeling as when katy screwed over JRM, it was different.. it wasn't a nervous stomach ache. It was pure rage, and fear toward what was going on.

It's pretty bad if i have to sleep to get it to go away, i was all waiting to go back online last night because i would've been able to by about midnight one in hte morning... but i couldn't, my head was pounding.. and it felt like i was bleeding in places i knew i wasn't bleeding in.

It got to the point between talking to dawn about her problems (mind you i had good reason to talk to her,because i was worried.) , and hearing all this shit about sheila.. that i wanted to scream. I wanted to move back to minnesota, i wanted to assert my side i never like showing anymore and scream Sheila's head off. but the difference is, i imagined myself as a guy doing it.. i imagined going there and placing her against a wall and screaming her head off, making her see what the fuck she's done wrong. But that's just it, people like sheila don't give a shit.

And i don't give a fuck if she hears about it, why? because she's been gone from my life since 2003, her and andi didn't care enough. They used to think i was lying about my grandmother, that i was just making shit up. They knew she wasn't a great person, but they and their mother used to sit there and tell me how much I WAS insane. How much i needed help, because i was confused on my sexual preference, i had dabbled in smoking. .and drinking.

Last night reminded me of how i fell face first into sheila's void.

How it was partially my fault, as well, but at the same time.. when your told various things about situations.. that others are in, your reminded of your own. Being sucked into something so far that you can't fucking return? That's exactly what it felt like last night, my head swirled with memories of what was going on at the time. Storylines i'd purposley forgotten, y'all out there who've dealt with sheila.. y'all have never personally been in front of her for more than a day.

Y'all have never fallen for her, and seen her wrath up front, it's scary.. when you think Andi's got yer back and she doesn't. Because she's too scared to lose her sister to the wrath, and she can't stand seeing Sheila angry.

I understand people's problems with her, but i'm to a point of insanity.. i need to reiterate that it's not anyone's fault what i went through last night. I listened to various people talk about situations, and things with roleplays and sheila and others. I read people's journals, and wanted to explode..

Don't get me wrong, i understand part of it was my fault for getting involved.

I just.

I just don't miss my past.

That's all, and..

I keep klinging back to it, like it's second nature, i think i need to let go.. i think i need to find a way to let go of what is in my life that still clings to that part of my past.

Example: Weed out the one guy charachter that i don't have much use for anymore, if i still like using guy charachters, it's no big deal.. but i need to move on.

drop the black eyed bastard to the floor, watch the shit hit the fan.. replace him with the spider-child.

...99 problems but a bitch ain't one.

(X-posted to LJ and GJ)

I remember the summers when all i cared about was sleeping over at my best friend's house, watching Fushigi Yuugi all over again, boozin' on mountain dew and playing around with the dolls and shit. We were in high school, and nothing mattered to us more than our little notebooks.

Well, as time went on i had to move, i had to move to a different country.. and we became distant. We started to fight more often because of my personal problems, and choices.. (Ie: Guy wannabe phase) , and it became a strain on our relationships. I fell for one of them (there were four of us, and i fell for the youngest.) .. and it made things even worse.

I left in 1999, and moved to New Zealand, the same country i'm in at the moment. I went trhough 2 1/2 years of interesting expereicnes because i wanted to go back, i wanted them near instead of far.

However by the time 2001 came, far was about as close to things as you could get. They'd become even more distant than before, and we couldn't even come to agreement on things.

I moved back, got a job, and considered going to school because of someone else i met online, which was eventually a mutual friend of all of ours. I became more distant from them, not understanding why.. and trying to hold back my feelings, not really wanting the youngest girl in the same way.. but it was still hurting

by the time i got into school, with them.. things became harder.. we had similar interests.. but i saw a definate change in attitude, and how we were growing up.

The youngest and i started to fight more, her lack of compassion started to rip me to shreds. I didnt want to fight back, as i'd felt that i could possibly just ignore that she hated my guts all along. End of year came, she told me to fuck off and die.

Now it's two years later.

I've not spoken to either of them since 2004, and have told myself to not bother. I've tried to apologize, and i've tried to refill the void.

I have had constant dreams about apologizing, falling for the same girl all over again. Crossed with dreams about other friends that include mistrust, and fraud.

I'm starting to realize my life isn't as great as it once was, and i need to fix it somehow.

I'm .. well i'm not happy. but then again when am i ever after being told i'm slightly disabled and need help before i can do shit?

Yes, i'm ADHD.. people know this. But this just means that my mom suggested i get help, and i'm defiant about it.. because i've worked SO hard to get this far, why would i need meds now? Probably because i do or don't.. but i have to wait to get help, and we have to sort shit out because i'm an overstayer. We're gonna go the different fork in the road route.

My mom is making me promise that i'll stay six months or so.. til at least march of next year. Which means that i'll be still going at the most expensive time of year >>; .. but hey, i might get to actually AFFORD shit if i do this route.

I'm supposed to go see a psychiatrist once i get my perm rseidency. get chiro help too 8D.

Anyways, yes, i'm going to get renewed perm residency, work for a bit.. if i can.. and save up.. probably buy one more hide plushie (i get scared of the dark and i want a Deluxe plushie cause dad won't send me betsy ><) I'm gonna really see if i can get one tho, cause i'm that freaked some nights and punky and hideto are too small .. and it's uncomfy cuddling sparky.

yes, anyways.. i'll get a job, and then i'll save up for furniture and an apt. i'll make sure i'm the one with the apt, etc.. and enough money to get the apartment etc, and survive for a month while searching for a job.

I'll plaster my room sooner or later with more stuff cause i can, and will.. and it's just too fucking bare >>;.. and i'll eventually ACTUALLY use my computer ><. Maybe upgrade it, convince mom to let me send it..I dont know i just feel right saying YES now to mom's plan rather than mine.. yet it feels like i'm giving up, at the same time. Because my dad kept telling me "Move with family" yet, i dont want that.. I'd rather stay here in some ways than live in ahomeless shelter like i was planning.

but yea, i have to see someone about my ADHD eventually.. because i probably need it medicated so i can be more rational. >>; i mean jenn knows i'm being semi responsible and yet insane at the same time.

So yea. dude. you can come with the whole "I TOLD YOU SO" comments my dear friends 8D they shalt not hurt me, well ok they'll annoy me, but that's the point ain't it? XD

X posted to LJ and myspace.

I promised myself i'd write better entries in here, and less bitchy shit. Well, i failed at doing this for now, and realized it was time i'd update properly. Not like it's going to happen properly.. but hey.. it's what i do.

I've realized i hate sean's guts, he's an idiot.. and that i dislike his looks, and attitude. Ok that's done.

I've realized that i need to be a better friend, and i try my hardest to try and talk to my friends when they need it most. However, i fail when jenn starts to ooze about richard.. because it's about damn time they fucked and got it over with. (Right Dawn?)

I've realized that going to the gym has benefits beyond beleif: Gym Instructors around your age range, toned and fit.. and NICE LOOKING! ... and they're really cool on top of that! 8D

I need a life. i freak at smacking bugs.
why? ... because i have this thing that i should respect them, because hide got to respect bugs better and eventually had no problem with them. and quite frankly, i just smacked a moth offa me. and then was reminded of frozen bug live. ;_;

I'm moving in september.
this means that i have to hear jenn ooze about richard IRL.
and i have to put up with californians who (eek just smacked that thing AGAIN ><) talk nasally and shit.

I've been on a jrock kick at work , but when i coem home i'm listening to rob thomas. and other things...

I just deleted all my old stories, and only keeping the newest incarnation, senshudan.. then again i fear deleting all that shit means i'm deleting my past. But then again i always have the memory of what my original stories were like.. so i'm not so worried.

I'm worried about bec, she seems to sorta be "breaking down" if you will.. the lack of people near her that have similar interests that she can be with IRL, is really getting to her. It's done that to me before, but that's part of why i'm moving to San Diego. So yea.

mellyse was telling me andi was talking about me.
Yo, Drea. I'm starting my "I'm trying to shut up about them" , so i apolgoize if i keep ranting about the past.. the issues we all had with each other were quite alot, and especially sheila and i.. clashed alot in the end, and so it was to be expected to have a heated end. I'm a little miffed you guys didn't contact my dad or anything about moving because i did want my stuff back, and i wanted to do it CALMLY, and kindly. I've had bouts where i've tried to apologize for my actions, but you know i understand that "SORRY doesn't cut it anymore" .. i overreacted, and so did sheila.. but the problem was is that i was really nasty and i couldn't deal with it.. and now i probably would'vbe been like. "Eh, what about fuck off and die? .. Fine.. see if i care, *shrug*" .. but yea.

Enough of that one XD the more i try to talk about andi and sheila the more i burn inside.. :3

I need to make PS_ICONS on LJ, because well... it's not taking off well on here. I'm already on week one, and nobody's posted anything. I'll need to fix how things go in the LJ one. (edit: hide_icontest

Let's see, my rpgs...
FK's going well, but bec is bored with it..
Nuked is creeping up there..
Drain hasn't taken off..
Paranoia is dead.
JRM died and Nuked replaced it.


I was invited to play Kozi in a GJ rpg, but i keep forgetting to grab the info so i can join.

bah. i'm running out of things to say.
this is not good!

Moki, jenn and i have clashing opinions on you and levi situation.. email me and i'll tell you my opinon again ;3 (well ok no, because jenn and i agree in the end on a lot of it, like yea.)

Anyways. brain mush.
need to go.

is it possible to fall for a dead guy?

... >>;

note: i've gone insane. check my GJ.

Time is killing me, not in the physical way.. but in the mental way.

Why? Because i'm always damn confused, i dont know what's going on and who's doing what..
I'm 22, and i've never totally decided if i'm bi, les or straight, i'm just confused..
There are people i'd do in an instant if i knew what i wanted..

and the more i try and tell myself i'm ok being bi, the more i see myself as a sick pedophilic guy wannabe all over again.

Why does this go into context? The american girl that works for us, plays around jokingly and same with me but we're doing it in jest all of the time of course.. but still if i was caught i'd be dead. >>; and i'm catching myself every day, which pisses me off. She's shorter and a slender figure.. but ONLY DAMNED 13.

Being bi or les also means the more people i meet hte more my senses are fucked over.

I mean goddamnit am i actually starting to WANT sean? O_O. he's a good friend and all but damn, if he's who i want then someone kill me now. I won't be doing any better than my mom did in 1981.

I wish i could say i wanted jordan, i wish i could say i wanted jenn..

I WISH I KNEW WTF WAS GOING ON!

Just talking to moki earlier, and her and i concurred i've never dropped the "GUY WANNABE TITLE" it varies from year to year. It just never got any worse than it was... and it was a little better than high school.
Proof: I'm wearing mens deoderant. Pheonix Axe. (Lynx in NZ.)

I confess the smell is intoxicating actually.. and i wear it cause it's strong, and keeps me from stinking >>;

I'm on mymom's pc blasting my headphones with gwen stefani, and just imagining all the shit i keep pulling year after year.

Why couldn't it have just been that i stayed friends with andi and sheila and had this PROBLEM getting over sheila? Not now, not the "8D OMFG. Adele actually is cute! and er >>; i could steal her from her ex!" >>; which is untrue.. i'm not her type, and i wouldn't do that to Rob.

I dont know.
i dont know.

So yes.
Fucking hell was hitchikers like BRILLIANT. BLOODY FUCKING BRILLIANT I MUST SAY 8D (watch me adapt the british language in under 3 hours due to watching the brillaint minded movie based on douglas adams' books!)

However, if i adapt it and try to speak it i sound cockney XD
this is fucking hiarlious.

I can sound like a watered down southerner (US southern), cockney british (due to so much fucking exposure to the beatles, spice girls and various TV shows in NZ that have cockney accents.) and a er O_o i think i might be able to attack a New York accent if i really tried O_o. but tha'ts usual i'm an american, we know all the accents. Sorta. i'm really only good at my own and the fargo one.

anyways. my blood pressure is skyrocketing from salt and excersise galore today, so i need to like go to bed soon. O_o if i can ever GET TIRED O_o.

psst. part of my elevation problem today: I releived stress *snickersnort* yep. not allowed to really masturbate with high blood pressure. But that's kinda what triggered it now isn't it? 8D

yesh i need to go now.
more later 8D

anyways. enough of my "@_@ YOU PEOPLE WHO HATE ME SUCK MY NONEXISTANT DICK" shit @_@.

my mom is getting a little on my nerves, but that's also because i'm not used to what she has planned for me, it's basically like a controlled situation where i can't sit on my ass all day. I'm understanding now how hard this is going to be, and how long it's going to be, which is good.

It's not all a bad thing. in fact none of it is. it just at first frustrates me because there are blocks in my road, but they only are temporary.. to be removed at a later date.

The other thing that's a little frustrating, is that now that i've moved i dont have a clue who i want or what i want in terms of relationships.. and that's good to an extent because i really don't have room or time for that now. I miss jordan, because he's cool, but day to day i don't see me wanting him as much as i did. He's a really good guy, and he'd do well in life, but i dont think he'd tend to like me once we hung out more and more and i started to fight IRL with him. (I tend to get highly vindictive and shit)

but the thing that's related to that, that is more frustrating is..

i tend to have this feeling that a close high school NZ friend of mine ... Sean, has more than "missing me" on his agenda. Three days in a row, has been fun.. but it's a tad frustrating when i DID techinically want two days on my own to have fun and shit and talk to friends about my first PROPER NIGHT OUT.

He's a virgo.

and the only reason it's scaring me and frustrating me.. is .. I"VE ONLY BEEN BACK TWO WEEKS.

he's been putting subtle moves on me, and i know i try to impress anyone i meet.. but damn sean, i dont want you that way.. at least not right now, your a good friend who understands me and shit and i really .. that's really what i need most. I know your not actually going to read this, but hey i need to get it off my chest. Your a responsible (as far as i can see) guy, who has priorities laid out.. and as for me, i'm not prioritized i'm lazy as hell. (worse than jordan lol) and i have OTHER things on my mind besides getting into a complicated relationship.

my mom does think eventually that he and i WOULD make it together, and that's ok with me if it turns out that way.. because i trust sean to know what he's doing in life. but not right now.