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Sep. 24th, 2007 | 11:14 pm

Current frustrations:

  • Owning a domain name and knowing nothing of what to do with it, and tinkering with it like it's some toy. (I'm watching my business ideas float away on a mast over to someone who's a bit more responsible.)

  • Installing applications on said domain that will never get understood...

  • Living in dunedin which is on the whole more than 15 hours ahead of the US..  meaning when most of my friends get up for work, i'm just going to bed on a friday night.

  • Living in a place where technology just isn't up to scratch

  • Living somewhere, where it's becoming easy to be content living on a benefit while my chance of leaving to go back home becomes entirley slim.

Mind you, the contentness on living on this benefit is because i'm too stupid half the time to remember to call about things when i need to. It's not like i'm incapable of doing things, in fact half the time i feel so angry at myself because there's so much i want and need to do.. but i need people to remind me what i want, and what i need to accomplish.

This domain name of mine it's only been around two weeks so i can't complain too much, and plus i plan on keeping it for a good long while i just need to come up with some DAMN solid plans on how to work things. And what and how i want to work them.  Because right now i don't have hosting, or i do but it's ad supported.  Which is fine to an extent... Cept that anything that's a frame or an iframe the google ads come back.

and the 15 hours ahead issue?

There are nights where i will feel desperatley alone, bored and lonley. and my mom will just say suck it up and find someone here to hang out with..  I don't mind that, but i want to be with my two best friends, i want to figure life out with them for what it's really worth. NOT JUST being stuck in dunedin and doing nothing for the rest of my life.

I will get a job, and i will make it out of here. I just need to think about it responsibly.

I'm working on the national certificate in computing lvl 2, which is PEANUTS compared to the diploma i was going for...  but if i got three certificates under my belt in under six months i could be so fucking proud to have just completed something. EVEN IF I ONLY COMPLETE THE ONE.  I only have 20 credits until i can reach the lvl 2 graduation.

...let this be a door opener into a new path in my life.

Let this be the thing that reminds me what i need to do.

Let things work, i'm starting to annoy Rob with my hissy fits lol...  i get bored, i get lonley and i get overtired and i think too much about things.

Today was the first time i thought about Maria in a really  GOOD light, though i'll probaby never talk to her... and stuff... again... Cause. .. oh so wonderfully i'd freak out. I know there'd be a slew of responses about how i shouldn't and that she's just a person, and she is... but i'm just ... i'm still sorting who i am out..  Maria was still doing the same thing after we broke up, in a much higher level and you know ... Obake made me realize that this stuff is out there for me to learn.. and Much like my mom but in a different subject, i can be very naive and pollyanna about that sort of ....area in life.  not the trans stuff, that is just cause i'm nto ready to go back there : )  (Trust me, i'd freak if i saw Paula :P )

No, i mean the bits and bobs about the elves, the vampires the angels.. the demons...

I"m just grasping reincarnation..

that opened the pandora's box and my proverbial closet fell apart on me.. and laetly i feel sometimes a bit overwhelmed with everything. Which fuels my want and need to climb out of the pile of whatever, and pick the pieces up and study them.  Because no conventional website or book is gonna teach me this shit.

Audibly through the vocal chords of anyone who goes through these things...

Is how the story gets passed on.

I wish i just knew how to understand the full language of this story.

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Smiling in the face of symbolism?

Sep. 20th, 2007 | 10:03 pm

Ok get this, as unreligious as i am..  I find myself a bit freaked.

one of the parish locations of the presbyterian church my parents attend here in dunedin, the kitchen burnt down... arson, and they found swastika's at the scene of the crime evidently.

ok ... this swastika thing scares me more than just a little bit.

Crime rates are always somehow higher in smaller areas, i mean the gas station up the road has black belts in martial arts...  Why not just install plexi glass?

we're talking swastikas, in a small 100,000 person town burning down a church and kindergarten kitchen.

Though, in a time of need there are ... humans still working their good hearted ways.. The local cafe is willing and able (they are a christian cafe, but that's no big deal.. it's a local cafe) ... to let the parish use their facilities on a sunday (since they dont open on sundays) to hold a breakfast service in lieu of the one that was normally held at st clair sunday mornings once a month.

in all of this. it scares me to think of how much crime is in this town. it's a fucking country of 4 million people and it's more racist, and more piss poor attitude than us americans, or maybe even the british .. their mother country..  there's more per capita more stupid people here ON AVERAGE that aren't terroists to do with another religion.  There's more likley to be some angry moron to blow up sky tower than someone with a religious passion and pact to carry out.

can't someone just freaking stop this sort of maniac behavior?

Where does the human nature and will to at least respect other people's property begin and end?

Where is there a time i can feel safer than living in a town with little protection?  This isn't a city, this is a town with morons and old people.. the old people are too old to want to change the city, and those who aren't morons dont know any better because dunedin's just always been one way.  Those who are the biggest morons are those who attack without a real cause,  i mean come on being a neo-nazi and plastering swastikas somewhere is just lame. Hitler's dead,  Hussein's gone... why carry on something that is so last century? if you're gonna burn down a church,  burn it down because you're an arsonist.. >.> at least then i dont have to worry about some idiot neo nazi fucktard running around town. Yah there's still an arsonist.. but at least it's not some neo nazi panzy freak with no life who doesnt understand the meaning of "RESPECT" "LOVE" or even "PRIDE".

This is a country.

This is a continent.

This is The planet earth..

It's solar system
Galaxy etc..

Why cant' we just fucking share it?

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Aint life a brat?

Sep. 19th, 2007 | 09:33 pm


There was a spazzy entry here btu instead i'm going to post more constrcive critisism about myself that i need to teach myself.

Stop having mini hissy fits over nothing, your overthinking about everything.. and it's getting in the way of your friendships.  Overthinking leads to attention getting, adn the need to spaz over nothing.  It's ok to discuss how one is having an issue again with something, but not get shitty when nobody talks :P

DO respect people's silence, it's ok to blab on and on but don't expect a whole 3 pages back in return. If they're quiet people they're quiet.

DO NOT take bad moods out on people, find constructive ways to get around it.. or warn people that you are not in a good mood rather than having a fit : D

Always remember there's text and then there's real life, phone and face to face are easier to read emotions than text to text. (Unless you're someone with empathy, and i'm not : D)   So give space and time to understand the other person before making strange faces and starting a fight.

X_X apologize profusley and admit you need to committ seppuku for being a brat.

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Some sort of ... Issue?

Sep. 9th, 2007 | 11:12 pm

Well we're back on the subject of my attention deficit again.

  • Mother seems to think that without medication i can't find a job
  • mother seems to think that i am only good for office positions becaues they hire more qualified people
  • Mother seems to think i need to go to computing for free. (probably)
  • I think i need to get back home ASAP

Yea, i just i need to get my ADHD sorted, and i need the money to get back home and get a job and move somewhere. ANYWHERE.

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so uh yea.

Aug. 30th, 2007 | 08:21 pm




So those of you tardoids who have me added on puppyxboy have to come add me over here.



I'll eat you if you dont >)

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(no subject)

Jan. 10th, 2006 | 10:27 pm


recent pics of me..

and a note for now to change your friends lists entries to blackdeath (for now meaning i'll be ever undeciding what my name is on here, and i'll always be attached tothat name, go look at how long i've had it XD)

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Nov. 6th, 2005 | 07:23 pm


My first JROCK UNI rpg i've created.

Shoot me and join please.

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Oct. 29th, 2005 | 08:52 am

I swear. my life has become more utterly confusing after last night..
not only have i been told "You need to get laid" by a 21 year old and a 28 year old (girls mind you)
but i've had an offer fro mteh 21 year old to "BREAK ME IN"

Mind you, Adele is good looking.. has a decent amount on top TO play with.. but uh, i'm a bit chicken..
i've never done such things in my life.
Not only that but i was like "Not in my hide tshirt." (meanwhile i'm itcing my face cause i have to wash it off yet.)

i smell oddly like ciggarettes , booze and sweat (we walked form brown st to crown hotel to brimstone to bowler).

I MADE IT IN A NIGHTCLUB (small one) WITHOUT ID! FUCK YEA! 8D .. but then the bowler wouldn't let me, aww but the guy was REALLY nice about it. So i went home early. I'm a tad peeved, but hey that's mostly my fault.

my hair is a mess, my face looks like hell warmed over (it's currently frozen doncha know? XD it was after bec made me read hide x sugi yaoi lol.)

I'll write more once we're done cleaning and shit, and the real estate dude's been by.

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Fucked up and insane? Maybe.

Oct. 24th, 2005 | 09:17 am

Aight, i had this thing before i moved that i was concerned about.. i've been getting further interested in paranormal things.. well sort of. It started because in march or april i dont remember, there were more than one of these "possession" issues or as i'd like to call them "WTF SPAZ " fits.

Well, i know i had a few more after that, just never documented them online an d laetly i've been passing them off as , "OMFG i need better sleep, eat better etc", an d "It's your ADHD, you just WISH you were posessed." and no it's not a brain or spinal injury or something ><

It happened last night again.

I dont know who, or what it was but it happened.. and i have no way or any clue to know what it was.

I'm not claiming it's anyone, i'm not going to burn my bridges this time around.

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random post

Oct. 23rd, 2005 | 10:06 am

Cause i'm too lazy to ACTUALLY update here:

take that peoples.

I AM NOT POOPY! *scream* Take that fairy <3

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